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Lucandrake

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Blog Entries posted by Lucandrake

  1. Lucandrake
    I've been considering the proposition of talents a lot lately. Trying to figure out if we all are truly born with "talents" the TV tells us we have when we're children. If these abilities are innate or just the hard work of someone who is used to doing hard work. If you attempt to study for the first time in your life, you'll understand at the rate of a tortoise, but if your studying a completely new subject while going through the process for the 100th time, you'll grasp it at a higher rate (giving off the illusion that your a natural).
     
    So lets assume that it is innate, and that the A student in class was born with a talent. Then consider that we are all born with talents. Which talent is the best one to dig through life with? Are there "master" talents (IE: Copying other talents), sort of a psychological evolution of mind-X-Men. The kid in the corner having the ears of Beethoven, the one in the front has a mind quicker then speedy Gonzalez, the one in the middle tired but photographic in memory, the loner nothing but imaginative exploding imagery when given a pen to write or draw. This is what I was grown up with, this is what we are taught in children now in days (at least during the late 90's). That somehow everyone in society has their own "ability" that no one else has.
     
    Fuck Immortal lost my train of thought.
  2. Lucandrake

    So I hate...

    By Lucandrake,

    It's weird, and messed up. But I hate everything. How can anyone possibly hate everything? I'm asking myself how it's possible to even appear hateful in this world. Those that expose anger and fronts constantly do so in the act of "love"; yet they appear to hate more then I do. So how is it that in reality, I end up hating the world more? I "pretend" to be nice yes, I "act" sincere and caring for sure. But I only do it because I honestly don't know how to feel anything like that. I have been put in situations where I am unaware of causing pain until the person I'm facing has been brought to tears. It spooks me every time too, I remember once screaming the entire day to my mother, she just ticked me in the wrong direction that day. From morning till nightfall any request made by her or statement was welcomed with my shouts of agony and "emoism". It wasn't until that she started crying was I aware of the pain I was causing her. I meant to write about love, not hate, but they're so intertwined that it's impossible to do so. So to the normal civilized human condition, I'm hateful.
    What does this have to do with love? Well, for one thing, it's not present. Recently I was discussing love with two of my friends who are very much deeply in it. One a male, the other a female, both in love (not to each other) but to a person they both feel are capable of fixing every problem in the world for them. They asked me if I have ever felt it, I responded with no. They then asked me if I would ever find "her", and I responded with "obviously no". This led to an argument, about my attitude and emotion toward this world... this reality. "No one in this world can put up with me, no one in this world can even take a few steps beyond understanding me, if love truly exists out there then I am the exception, I'm too much for anyone here at the moment", that's what I stated after my last comment. "You're telling me that out of the billions of people on this planet no one on this planet can understand you? I call bullshit, you're just full of yourself" proclaimed Richard. He's usually defensive about weakness's, and like me, I know he feels that love is usually nothing but one. "Yea, you'll find her, you just have to give it time, it's not like you're going to find her tomorrow or anything but maybe a month or even ten years from now" followed Yudith. I was surprised to see how hopeful these two friends where both for me and my quest for love. But I didn't want either to feel miserable, the only reason they where both with me in the first place was because both their love's where unable of being in our setting at the time. Otherwise I'd just be the 5th wheel. They continued bashing the idea that like they themselves, I will one day find a woman with the perfect body and brain capable of putting up with my shit. With a heart of gold and a vagina that has yet to be pampered like an ally cat with a black hole for a mouth. According to them, it will happen, but for the sake of letting them smile (and forget for 5 minutes that they themselves are in love), I continued to look down at the idea of relationship. I could have stated the awesomeness of being single, how everyday is merely an adventure with no strings holding you to the side requesting a constant fucking therapy session. With no blushing faces looking down at themselves for being incapable of producing courage. I could even point out the fault that from an evolutionary standpoint, love only exists through a time limit, and it can be shut down at any giving second with proper mind control.
    But I'm getting off track again, like usual I only ever do it because I write through heart, what you see me put down here is what I am really thinking. Wanting to write about love and starting the conversation on hate is only proof of how off track I really am. But I'll try and keep it at it's center this time. So, what is love? O this is why I started that story about us 3, I asked them both this question. "It's when you'll do whatever it takes to keep that other person happy", both of them said it, not like a chorus choir, but like politics who are all in the same party. Anyways, is that what love really is? Going back to an argument I made on a different form of writing, I stated that I've never been known to love myself. So if love is whatever it takes to make someone happy, I definitely don't love myself. You know what will make me happy right now? A million dollars, but guess what, I can't really get that any time soon so I figure that to be excusable under my current circumstances. But you know what else would make me happy? Loosing weight, gaining the ability to study like a pro again, and finally getting this thing called "responsibility" down. Those things, I can get. Those things are within reach and I don't reach out for them. Those things, are right under my fucking nose, so much so that I just have to look down with my vision (not neck) to view them, yet I decide to stay still and let the sweat on my forehead drop around it performing a ritual that imitates patience at it's highest degree. I'm waiting for me to love myself, is that even possible?
    I have so much more to add to this, but I really don't feel like typing it out, it won't feel on form with the rest of my writing. So I'll just leave it here, and let you all figure out whether or not you all love yourselves too.
  3. Lucandrake

    Essay, 2nd draft

    By Lucandrake,

    Davis Perez
    T/R
    11:15-12:30
    ENC1101
    When I scream my agony at the sky the only thing I ever hear is silence! The clouds do
    nothing but sit idly ignoring me. My pain is a upside down blood fall attempting to grab their
    attention, I scream “Look at my pain!”, and they laugh. As if their equal amount of added hurt
    is justice enough to consider me useless and worthless. What is my power? What is the energy
    that I seek? I can’t find it! It aches crushing all my bones and muscle in my body shouting “Die!”
    as my giant care crumbles and collapses on my emotion. It’s not like it matters, I’m already
    numb and permanently set to cry. I’m doing nothing but whining and the more I whine the
    more it hurts. But according to my current readings, pain is pleasure. My misery is my reason?
    flock that! If pain is pleasure then I’ll spend my entire life devoted to finding the power to split
    the two. To make my pleasure infinite and my pain riddance from itself and I. We all need to let
    our emotions flow to be sane, but in order to evolve instinct demands we control them and tie
    them down. It angers me because this arises conflict. One that can not be fixed or settled. So is
    my goal to eliminate this conflict? I wish control. I’ have been told that when I no longer want it,
    it’ll fall in my hands. My heart is filled with darkness, my intentions are never sane, and my
    instincts crave blood and violence. Yet I believe that because I can go days, without my animal
    let loose, so can everyone else. Can a world so dark and stupid really learn trust? So I am here
    now a day after writing my initial shout, I’m calm now and would to bring up the discussion that
    the teacher sprang up a while ago. The discussions brought up the way we as a society work.
    How hierarchical system placed upon us centuries ago are still present in our today of
    “Freedom”. In this system we are but a triangle, the masses dormant in the bottom. They have
    all the power yet none. Security is just shy off a level higher to the public, but they are treated
    just the same as dogs. A dog in the streets lying in filth is no different from a dog lying in a rich
    man’s house, they’re both being treated like bitches and in that essence neither life is worth
    living. A society of independent decision makers will always be more efficient then a society of
    followers without will following a power hungry lunatic. I say lunatic because the insane do not
    know they are crazy, in fact, conscious awareness of insanity proves your sanity. To those who
    ignore it, they are merely running away from instincts. They’re power hungry for obvious
    reasons as well. The insane have no power over themselves. The only way to satisfy and justify
    the opposite of their true desires (suicide) would be to control that which at one point quite
    possibly controlled itself. It’s simple, my mind wants to unleash itself and cure all of their
    hatred. I wish to make the world a circle love, a constant motion representing a heart. I’m tried
    of seeing pain, hate, depression, madness, insanity, I crave the opposite of all the horrible
    things in this world. But how? How do you do it? You can’t have a society where all people have
    equal grounding. It’s impossible? If I make a society where Joe, Me, and Bob, have all equal
    ground. Then that means that at any time I can steal or murder from and both of them. If it’s
    illegal to do so, then that means I need to be judged, how can that be possible if everyone has
    equal power? I deem that judge unable to decide my punishment, because thievery and murder
    was done through the idea that we are equal in mindset and worth. So just like I respect your
    believe to love, respect my belief in reality and accept death as a part of life. I don’t know how
    to write an essay in a elegant manner. This current piece is the work of my journal throughout
    the period of three days. I hope I did not misunderstand the professor, when he said “Write
    without form”. Since this is as uncivilized as I get. The only writing that was edited where the
    spelling errors and grammatical errors I could catch on the PC. Personally, I don’t know how this
    could help me, I already write like a beast, it’s structure that worries me. My emotions hate
    constrictions, so it’s only natural that after writing with all that throughout high school, I’m not
    aware of all the “little” things that I should be aware of. I only hope that in the end my writing is
    improved and not just….the same. Now that I have got that out of the way, I would like to go
    back into the whole “Society should evolve into a circle from a triangle” topic. I posted a few
    threads online and asked in a few chat rooms how one could go about transcending a triangle
    into a circle. I got a ton of mathematical answers, and I’m sure they where correct, but the way
    I see it, they all basically said cut off a line off of the triangle and draw a circle around the line as
    that becomes the diameter. Then I said that the question was not mathematical, it was a “Think
    outside the box” type. After a series of long listed questions marks and confusion, I received an
    odd response. “Get a drill and drill through the middle” said the wisest and oldest programmer
    at a favorite forum of mine. The smart ass from that same forum (a different person) stated that I should just cut off the edges and curve it. So I’m thinking now, that the only two answers I
    received (that would work) from about two hundred people, where ones that required the
    destruction of the triangle in some form. Maybe it’s human nature to destroy before starting
    anew. Actually, I’m pretty sure it is. This goes hand-in-hand with what the Author of “The
    Culture of Make Believe” was stating in our last exercise. People don’t like to encourage change
    unless they are pure themselves, and the sad fact is that no one ever is. I have a lot of hope for
    myself in my heart, but for a world that I can rarely ever trust, my hope stays locked in. Call me
    selfish, but even though I can wish good and peace for all for all. I feel like I grew too fast and
    gave up too quick. Since that wish is nothing more, my acceptance of pain is worth more. Since
    this is how I feel, I can only think to myself that the hope I have is a lie, but I feel it as truth, I
    just don’t feel it for this nation or for this world.
  4. Lucandrake
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWlmhMSnVdM
     
    Let me start off by saying that I'm a little bias towards this "type" of film. I feel that films like this one, Scott Pilgrim, 300, and The Warriors; should be classified as "Beat Em Up's". The exposition is kept to a minimum, chatter is straight to the point (or used for a comedic tune to turn down the suspension), and there are boss battles everywhere. So in short, I enjoyed it very much, a long with the cinematography, and its music.
     
    The film's premise is simple, there is a SWAT team that is sent out on a quiet kill order in the hottest building of its city. The top floor has the leader of a gang, and 2 boss baddies a long with an entire army of members that are willing to die for their leader. The film takes the first 20-30 minutes explaining this premise, and setting up the tension for future pause scenes (the cinematography tries its best to make you "feel" like you're in the film during these moments). Then, one of the scouts catches the team as they move upstairs and all hell breaks loose. There are fire fights, knife fights, random object fights, fist fights, necks snapping, stabbing, Jesus the list goes on, they try to show you a different form of violence in every scene and the variety is buffet-like. But everything looks awesome while it is happening and the shots really do make you feel the impact of the severity of the situation (20 SWAT Team Members vs. an entire cast of beat em up bads!).
     
    Now I'm not entirely sure whether or not the soundtrack I heard was the original one, but I doubt the original one was better than what I heard in the film. It might be my bias (Mike Shinoda worked on the American version of the OST) but I feel everything being played fit each mood perfectly. Including the fights scenes, the music wasn't rushed in BPM but in intensity the harder the fights got, something I feel would've happened if any other musician worked on the film.
     
    Concerning the plot, I think it's pretty straight forward, there is some more to it than just fighting, but I don't think the motivation given wasn't strong enough to warrant the situation. I didn't ignore it, but I sure as hell forgot about it when the fight scenes started. If you feel like watching a story don't bother with this film, however if you want to see some action being fired at you with a similar rate to that of a machine gun, go watch this film.
     
    The only negative things I could possibly say about the film is that I felt they took to long shortening the cast, but that's a personal nitpick, the actual pacing of the film is deliberate and works for what is intended.
  6. Lucandrake
    Auto-tuners! One of the best and worst inventions in music history. Having heard Wayne/T-Pain/Timbaland all have shit voices when off the computerencial influence. It isn't even one of those "his voice sounds bad when he speaks because he's conserving it for he entertains" kind of voices, it's a straight up "I'm rough" voice that's thrown out there. Knowing that these people can't really vocalize well within music, I can only imagine the amount of frustration this adds to true vocalists. People who train day-in day-out to perfect the sound of their instrument and only make mild progression into success when these dudes walk in with nothing but a box making millions. Saying all of this, I still can't stop enjoying their music, while credit isn't due in their instrument skills, they do have good ears for whats "hip" and deserving of a radio station. Some of these dudes, don't even really need the box to fill in for their artistic downfalls, that is if the UnitedSheeps had children taught literature to a point beyond 5 paragraph essays.
     
    Drake/Kanye/LilWayne/Eminem - Forever
     
    You know that our education system sucks when a self-taught nigga that doesn't know the difference between To0 and To rhymes better than school poet contestants. These artists are forced to ignore the idea of "sending out a message" (something I believe Em grew up with), and are instead forced to give children something that sounds mega produced and unoriginal. I heard different words but the mood has been the same for the past 20 something records I've heard. O, and the best part about the auto-tuner is how clonetastik everybody sounds now. Someone listening to this song for the first time in their lives would consider Drake, Kanye, and Wayne the same person easily.
     
    Black Eyed Peas - I gotta Feeling
     
    Now that I've let out my thoughts on that, I'll just go ahead and say whats up with me. I haven't missed a class of school yet (I'm proud of this, I usually skip by now). While I haven't studied much the main subject I'm scared to shits to fail (Anatomy, I want to ask Gryph for help eventually but at this moment it just feels like I'll be asking him to do the work for me instead of actually helping me), my diet plans are still changing till I settle on something chill that I can handle, and my gaming habbit is getting closer and closer (I uninstalled Guild Wars, now I need to completely stop playing shit all together) to being diminished. Don't really got much else to say, what can I say, I'm trying to just live right now .
  7. Lucandrake

    The Bravery - Fearless

    By Lucandrake,

    I relapse like a bitch when it comes to games. Thankfully I've learned to let go of them over the years to the point where it doesn't effect me as much as they used too. Yesterday I went out for a walk for the first time in months, it was rigorous! When I came back my shoulders where hurting, from a walk! I know it's not something to be proud of, but I felt alive, I felt human, and here in reality. Instead of still in a fucking imaginary world where the only pain I feel is the pain of loneliness. I'm not saying I feel lonely on this board, hell this board has helped me so much through out the years , I only hope it continues (and GC as well) to push forward through all the hard times (of inactivity) to a point of normal settlement.
     
    Switch Up: The Deer Hunter - The Procession
     
    So yea, I took Human Anatomy this semester, I can already tell you I'm scared too shit. I don't know how to study, people tell me "open a book", I've always lived with a "click or quick" attitude towards knowledge. This isn't clicking for me, at all, and I do have to partly blame my attitude towards it (as in not trying), but the fear isn't helping at all. My other classes are general credits, although for Humanities I'm going to write a paper on Vivaldi and the Four Seasons. Specifically Summer, my favorite of the four so that's a bonus.
     
    Switch Up: Eminem - Beautiful
     
    I know I'm disappointed with his new album, extremely disappointed. But this one song is a hit, I dare anyone to listen to it and call it trash. It's message is some shit we all need in our lives plenty, even the smiley types that seem to be perfect all the time. O another thing I did yesterday was delete Guild Wars. I think I went a month and a half of it this time. I took it out because my semester started and I still haven't done much study time. Hell I haven't done much of anything since I installed it, just wake-play-eat-shit-bath-sleep-wake-play... If I manage to get somewhere in life where I end up studying the Human Mind I know I'm going to have to devote some of my time to the "MMO Addiction". You don't need years of study to realize that too much of anything is a bad thing, but maybe there is a way of stopping it from occurring inside other people's heads. Or destroying it all together, what if addiction was destroyable by a simple drug? Would it be right to implement that into some of us? Maybe it's because "addiction" exists that we know our limits, or is the exact form of obsession some of us have with things we love. That's an over thought for you right there. Well, I'm gonna go walk again, when I come, I'm going to open my text book, hopefully read instead of falling asleep.
  8. Lucandrake

    Influence

    By Lucandrake,

    Thinking about the energetic properties of our creative tools brings me to question the purpose of creating media. Many state it as an expression to self, and that everything stops there. That you are merely stating how you feel with your joy, and wish to let go of everything on your mind. What if it influences the mind in a way that further pauses your ability to move forward? I ask because I'm unable to write anything when a smile is on my face. I'm unable to come up with purpose towards words, unable to create sentences that sound about myself, and unable to express anything (for I feel no need to). Odd because I'm smiling right now, I'm not happy, but I'm content.
     
    What if an expression of self is only enabled when ones own depression takes over? I am at my best with my writing whenever I feel pain. My creativity and dreams explode into vividness as if detailing what I desire in life. My sub-conscious is suddenly able to open a pathway between my heart and my brain that allows it to communicate as if it was another person all together (which, would be true have my goals been completed). I can't write at all about bunnies, tree's, their abilities to represent joy, without thinking about all the horrible things that result because of it. Bunnies look cute, but the process of cutting one open so that I may stick it on a barbecue grill is as disgusting as allowing my toilet to fill up without a flush. Tree's enable us to breath, are a part of the life-cycle and do countless other things to creatures allowing them to live. But they are also the reason that shit like insects exist, and are completely uncivilized. They do nothing but invite other-creatures that I simply do not wish to be around, I only ever want to cut them up, roll em up, and sell them to create profit.
     
    So at the end of the day, after writing in my journal or on this site, I've released my thoughts and emotions into words. After singing my favorite songs, I have related to said artist and have further shortened the gap between understanding beyond self / others. But what is the purpose? I'm unable to answer that question, but looking into it, I now see the result.
     
    If you are to do nothing but dwell on your thoughts, and feel a sense of release after doing anything creative; Then be aware that release itself may simply be dormant and inactive (but present). After writing my depressed emotions, thinking back on the day, I afterwords feel "content" enough to forget about it for those moments to come. But I am not over it, I'm not past it, and not done with it. It's like ignoring the little voice in your head telling you that you want a piece of meat, eventually it'll be served and satisfied. The voice in your head is influenced by how you express yourself, so if you happen to express depression, it'll desire it. The opposite being true as well. That is the conclusion that I have received through my current thoughts. I shall attempt to experiment with it (for inspiration is simply what you state inside your mind), soon enough.
  9. Lucandrake
    I realized I stopped writing for a bit, it coincides with the current struggles of my life. I've fixed my sleeping habits at least 3 different times this summer, and have broken it 4. But fuck it, I've written about me plenty here so that if anyone was ever to read it they could put together the pieces and figure out why I am the way I am. Although giant chunks of it are not present (IE: My father), I remember writing them down in threads during my earlier years on this board. So while not all is handed on a silver platter, it's still assessable through great detective work.
     
    But that wasn't my intent, for I've wiped my blog on at least 4 different occasions "starting anew". As it stands the only thing I figured out is that unlike a computer, I can't just reformat my heart, or unlike an mmo, reset my skills and create a new build on the flash (for the low low price of 100 Gold), and I especially can't find treasure that I once found and decided to throw away thinking of its back-then uselessness.
     
    Whatever, I really don't want to write about myself as it stands. But as a person I want to see myself become. For it's been put on me to save not only my family, but to save my friends. As korney as it sounds, it's just a matter of what I have to do. This sprang to me after a 3 year slumber, for my brain was nothing but idle during my mainstream of insomnia, the days that I could withstand weeks without sleep have ended. My body hindered, forced me to awake my conscious and create sense. Soon after I felt nothing but fear (still to do today), and regret (this no longer), for I wasted time while forcing those who cherished me beyond the point of no return. But for myself, life is easy.
     
    If I desired it I could easily save my family, disregarding anyone and everyone around me not in my family. Then I would be titled a hypocrite, for even those with darkness I wish to preserve. If I desired to save my friends tomorrow morning, I would simply disgrace my parents, claiming independence and forever picking up my own slack while garnering nothing but disgrace from their point of view. Not only that, but my friends would be considered enemies for eternity. If I desire to save only myself, that would be just as easy if I managed to sacrifice both sides by applying all their help to just me. In the end I would end up successful in a very short amount of time, while keeping my insanity at the same level but my darkness spread beyond the point of repair. In order to do what my heart desires however, save all without the shed of blood, then in the end I sacrifice my hobbies and myself. O how I wish to help everyone including myself. In the end I'm stuck trying to figure out a balance between us 3. My father sacrificed his friends, my mother sacrificed her family, My sister herself, being the only one to not make a decision in my family, I wonder if I'm destined to repeat all their mistakes on a grander scale?
     
    But that's all current and past troubles, I stated I wanted to see a future-me here. As it stands, I'm 100% me, while I "care" for my friends and family, I rarely ever go out of my way to help either of them. Even though on the outside I state otherwise, and my lips radiate the sound of a hero. On the inside I think of usually nothing but how to get what I want so I can further dig this hole I have dug through since middle school. I don't want that, I want it to be 50% me, 25% my family, 25% my friends. Then spreading out the balance so that the cap isn't 100% anymore, but 200, or even 300! Fuck that, dreams are goals which require high aim, 1,000%! O but what a useless dream, my imagination has far more planned for me than I can ever grasp. It steers ideas into my head that I only wish to produce in music, movies, games, books. Then fear lurks in, and laziness gangs up on me with him. Finally, my mistakes strike the final blow on to me, telling me "It's ok, you can try again tomorrow". The first time I suspected a teacher of showing genuine care for me, she expressed the words "Watch out for tomorrow, for it may never come.", 9 years later and I'm still incapable of producing results that understand the phrase. Shit, 9 years of unproductivity, 9 years of missed opportunities, 9 years of just staring at the game screen laughing away my life. I've considered it an addiction, and at the same time I haven't. While therapists claim both sides of the argument, not only with excuses but with bluntness. How would you feel if your school counselor told you that you where addicted to something electric? While your therapist turns around and claims that it's merely a phase? Which one is right? What if the answer is within me? If so I've already stated many times before that I need to stop looking at this T.V screen, him and his family (Mr.Monitor, Mrs.Handheld, Ms.Gaming Console that I spend lonely nights with on a daily basis). But everything electronic is what produces sporadic imaginative thoughts! Not only that, but it's where I've learned how to garner energy beyond that of normal human understanding! It's where I gained the ability to brute force logic at high speed rates with luck intensified results! This machine that claims my soul, has taught me so much, and I've become dependent of it for more than just homework. It's scary as well, for if my addictions (for food is an even greater enemy to my soul), have all taken over at an alarming rate. I've been suggested to Cold Turkey this bitch, but even then I start sacrificing all my energies for the sake of being able to type out my emotions. Are games necessary? Is the internet necessary? Can you be as good as your competition without them? What about with them? I feel like the lead off of virtual dependency. The prime of the human robot society, claiming that my soul and heart is heard throughout the pages of the internet while merely staying quite in my little cave.
     
    So what do I do? I keep throwing myself off topic because I can't seem to think past today for some reason. I want to look at tomorrow but I honestly only ever see myself 10 years down the road. Who I SHOULD be in that amount of time. Who I WANT to become in that amount of time. But I can never see myself doing something to improve for tomorrow, or the day after.
     
    But that's just a portion of the pain that I endure daily, I can write many more topics on the things I feel are holding me back. I can write an eternity as well on the characteristics of my lost soul. I want to change the world, but I have to learn how to change myself first. Is there any hope for someone who's still lost after so much time? If so, what are the limits?
     
    I'll end it here, I got plenty more to say, but I got some Pokemon that are in need of leveling.
  10. Lucandrake
    So you're angry because you managed to ignore the homeless man on your way to work. You're sad because you realized not everyone in your family was upside down frowning as much as they should. Howling at the relentlessness of the children not in America, for opportunity has only been originated in the country of "liberty". Tear full of the heart who tells you to stop punching the bloody love of yours, for the right thing to do is not the thing you wanna do. Expressive and loud for the event of punishment at an innocent man (for we are all born "innocent). You feel hurt, you wish release, but paralyzed by the fear of the challenge, remain inact in this world of statues clamoring to the same soulless leader known as insecurity. You tend to only walk the paths that appear straight, curves scare you and turns hate you. If you are not moving towards your goal you're not moving anywhere (for opposite of the mark is no where near your wants), unaware of the irony of fate, unaware that backwards is usually the answer to forwards. We're taught from as early as fornication to continue to push on, revealed at first by our parents care and aware only after we wake up. For when life is finally realized then reality brakes in, chains your arms backwards, pushing away ignorance and forgiving nothing. As our teenage years turn into maturity you feel grown up, able to take on anything and everything, wishing to change all (yet change only yourself after you fall). Maturity turns into another stage, another form of experience meant to find you. For that's when we all felt loss, aware that we where once ignorant, wishing to go back to who we where. A form capable of mistakes, a form forgivable from almost anything (even murder). When this is mentioned and stated, then you go ahead and turn into the stage that I'm currently in right now. Once you're aware that's impossible to find what was once never lost, reality smacks you as it states the obvious. "If you lost what you love, and can't get it back for it was destroyed, build a new a better one", we aren't destined to find ourselves, we are destined to create who we are. Any celebrity you desire of becoming, tell me if you where born knowing who they where instantly. If you can think of anybody, then I'll gladly take you to a mental hospital for instinctive hallucinogens. The lead guitarists of the rock generation weren't born with those names, they created themselves to be heard by all. They didn't find out how to be famous, they simply created famousism within themselves. The same goes for anybody who has ever figured a talent worth the chase of youth. Stop looking for the treasure map to your heart, it's giving you a wrench, go forward and build yourself without looking into the past.
  11. Lucandrake
    I'm beginning to realize more loosely what I want to accomplish. Although fear is still in place, the idea of changing my daily routine to fit a healthy lifestyle is required before I go full force with the plans up ahead. I figure that a man attempting to figure out art, is stuck with the question of self before realizing masterpiece. Ahead of this current challenge of my life, ahead a few years from now, I wish to only see what I should be doing, instead of what I don't want to do.
    If I see myself alone, I become isolated. If I see myself failing, I somehow fall to the ground instantly. If I see myself crying, I begin to struggle upwards for air at the unforeseen event that my tears had already drowned me in my own pool of depression. I shiver at the idea that my obsession with all things entertaining should remain pure "hobby" (psychiatrists read: addiction), for I see myself capable of producing great works of art on scales not known to the casual or norm. Within my own writing, I am constantly bashed for a more "conversational" approach than what it "should" be (a "pure" English to be read like a machine, screw your emotions, I want efficiency! I, the invisible man behind the curtain making sure you stay in line, demand for you to be as robotic in nature as robots themselves). For the very idiots that claim knowledge don't realize themselves that not a single person in this world really reads that way! But hey, this isn't meant as bash to the usual, conformity sucks but it's because I refuse to dye my coat white that I will forever remain the black lamb of the pack.
    This is being written to view some of the very concepts in my head. How I wish to push the generic with my own interpretations of story, and forever evolve them as well with new structure never before seen by the masses. I wish to create movies in first person views! Whole movies! Although the script has never been written, I have this idea of sticking the camera man through a holocaust camp, complete with vulgarity, blood, violence. Straight up emotional nuclear missiles that the hearts of the viewers can't take beyond the 30th minute for fear of they themselves turning into something dark (for ignorance is blessed, and the devils of the world still see themselves as angels). I view a game that has enough options to make the craziest rpg/adventure game fan cream their pants with semen! The same game capable of creating orgasms to the techies (who don't want to make games, they want to make the computer their bitch! For their psychological problems are probably comparable to that of policemen!) on both beauty and design. Last but not least a game that will forever shut the door between realism and T.V for you will never forget the one scene where your brother begins to cry within your arms (and no, you will not get this sentence unless potential is realized).
    Then I see a band capable of producing music for ALL ears. Forget heavy metal, forget punk, forget rap, forget classical, forget country, forget genres for fucks sake! I dream at night of a band adored by all, labeled as unlabeble(Fuck you English, you fit my needs, this is now a word), associated with nothing but everything at the same time! O how I wish to present examples, but in all honesty, I fear (I hate fear, and I hate that I hate) that it might be laughed at. But I fear even more, of seeing it done by imitators.
    I dream of bringing evolution to media, something that hasn' happened in a long time. Generic and Stereotype is the current label of all things entertainment. It's been done before, and originality is no longer present. Creativity has died, and I wish to one day be able to resurrect it.
    O, and don't even get me started on ideas for my writing.
  12. Lucandrake
    It's all getting through. All the pain, all the sadness, all the fucking anxiety issues and stress. It's crawling up me like a determined solder aiming to strike down my very heart. I've been craving a "let loose", seriously. Booz, a fucking cig, some weed, anything! It's all crushing my mind at the pace of a recently married rabbit on a bed. I haven't slept well in over a week. I failed one class this past semester. The view of loneliness, despite the family and friends I've made this past year, doesn't want to go the fuck away. I've been holding back tears for the past two months, and the only reason is because I figured out that if I smiled they won't let out, figuring it to be strength, I'm really starting to doubt it and wonder if it's just confusion for weakness. The only things that make me numb are grinding on a game I want to stop playing, and eating food I don't want to fucking shove down my throat. My mind only stays quiet when I hurt myself, otherwise it asks why? Why am I here? Why is my family in a struggle that it shouldn't be in? Why is empathy a fucking bitch to learn? Why is it that by instinct I "choose" to hurt more then to love? Why? Why? WHY?! I can't set a single goal and this tunnel I'm in sheds not a single drop of light. I've been told that this is "growing up", but who the fuck wants that? You want me to hurt others in order to supply happiness to my life? My life of undeserving gifts and styles that would be put to better use to someone who appreciates the air they breath? I also realize that I'm cursing a lot in this entry, but I can't seem to stop shouting agony at the wall, considering that every time I let out another "fuck" the laughter in the background quiets itself down a little more. Letting loose the very monster meant to control others for happiness I myself have become victimized by the mental invention of God designed by me. The very idea of combing my soul with impure thoughts but pure actions is what considered forcing my drive to the "me of today". So far I've seen not a single ounce of emotional profit or desired efficiency that is worth learning to gain complete control over the beast of my sub-conscious. Allowing myself to a slave just a little longer for the only spec of hope that's been in me since the second grade. I can't fucking take this today, or tomorrow, or after-tomorrow, but if I don't I'll get kicked out of school and forced into man-hood despite my desires. I dream of being kicked out of my house to accomplish the same force without loosing a good chance at an education I know I need. I dream of my very father committing a fatality on my heart (for "Finish Him" has been in place for the past 9 years), so that I may have NOTHING to come back to. I desperately try to find myself in my own cave, knowing that the answer isn't real, that to find myself I first have to create myself. If anything I've become a hypocrite of my judgment. For I do nothing but state answers to the problems of your life while mine remains problematic.
     
    Fuck the world, on a day like today, all I do is numb myself out to ignore the shouts of the knife a few feet away from my hand. Fuck you all as well, this is me being real. Whether you dig or humiliate, I don't give a shit anymore.
  13. Lucandrake
    It's 3 A.M.
     
    I'm in my room yet again, staring at the monitor dreaming of how my life "should" be. I can't get a grip of myself, I'm noticing the paleness of my skin (for the sunlight has only been seen twice this entire week).
     
    I feel like I'm loosing myself again, in my own world where all I do everyday is grind in the imaginary, hope in the dreamworld, and accomplish nothing while gaining the self-portrait of superiority. I'm still a child, I have 2 months left to grow up. But I've been down this road again, bathed in it, lived in it. Writing about it only gives my fear strength, but if writing can bring me ANY emotion, then it means I can pull out courage as well. I've been looking for a key to do that, I've been looking for a key to open my box, and I've been looking for the key with all the answers to life.
     
    I'm tired of looking, I'm tired of searching, if I'm left alone to drift in the desert plains of no where, without food or water the only option left to do would be to create survival! Stop searching for yourself, stop trying to find out who you "should" become. Become something you want to become, and create yourself from the ground up, for if you didn't loose yourself in the first place...
     
    What if I really didn't loose myself in the first place? Then that means you're searching for something that can not be found, if you desire gold from the person in front of you, and wish to remain a true man, a true pro, then you are to either create or find your own gold. Now that you have searched beyond the caves of infinity, your only option left is to create it. Start smelting, for your personality isn't an illusion you can't grasp, but a creation you're too afraid to trust.
  14. Lucandrake
    It's been over a month since the website went down due to some lame script kiddies. O well, not much happened except the idea of me controlling my emotions :/.
     
    It sounds weird, but I'm depressed as fuck, and I'm not letting it get to me. I can come up with at least 5 different situations in the past month that I just wanted to brake down and cry (my ass off, rivers of tears pouring down my cheeks and disabling human contact for a while), but I never did. It's like all I have to do now is smile and boom, no matter how hard my heart gets, or how hurtful it becomes, I manage to keep the fear at bay. Which is a good thing, I don't want to seem sad or appear useless anymore, hell I have two months of no school but I don't plan on wasting it! I want to learn something before I progress into my learning environment. Also, I'm very much considering walking down a path of a certain impossible career that not many venture into. I have dreams of being a Physician and helping sick dudes out, I'm going to test myself out next semester and see if I can pull off a massive amount of studying without braking down. For now though, I wish to rest, and rebuild myself mentally with my acquired new skill. See if I can do something else (for entertainment, maybe learn how to play the Guitar or complete my vocal training), so that I may further be stress free in the environments I wish to one day throw myself into.
     
    Well, I have much more that I can fill up in this entry, I've stated it before, my writing can become an infinite story written to explore the true emotions of my heart. I only hope that when people read my piles of verbal influence, they feel the same way.
  15. Lucandrake
    As I start writing this, I am currently cleaning my room. This afternoon I woke up tired, depressed, out of thought, and wondering to myself, "What the hell am I doing?".
     
    The only thing I can think of to make me remotely happy at the moment is clean up my room and whatever else in the house that needs to be cleaned.
     
    I feel like a whining kid, constantly screaming at the public and others for all my problems, even though I realized nearly 2 years ago, that they are all MY problems. I always ask myself why in stories certain characters, certain main characters, always have a "Push" on their side. This "Push" is always usually someone older who's been through similar situations and will always be there to help the other person succeed. Where the hell is my push? I don't see it! I don't own one! I've only ever had rent-a-push's! Grr, w/e, I'm loosing weight, fuck you guys, I'm loosing weight.
     
    Back to cleaning.....
     
    Woot, now I'm cleaning my internal sh!t (IE: COMPUTER), I seriously hate doing it, but because I'm such a tidy person on a PC anyways it tends to be ezsauce, and yes, that word is real. Man I can't believe how sad I am, I tell myself I'm a man but I still feel like a tiny sh!t waiting to grow into a fucking tree, and jesus Gamecop, turn off the word filter already, that crap is annoying.com! I have a to type an entire paragraph just to properly say the word FUCK, and screw you, cursing isn't a form of dis-respect or low-life trash talk, it's a art, and you have to know how and when to say it, just because it feels uncomfortable when you curse (because your fucking mother told you so) doesn't mean you should criticize or judge those that perform the act ritually as a form of a freedom. One question I have to you all, do you all honestly still call me or see me as Drake?
     
    Yay! Time to reformat!
     
    I need to start downloading ost's again of good (and bad) games. I miss vg music .
     
    I'm done cleaning, now what? Bleh, guess I'll go live life.
  16. Lucandrake
    I've always realized from the beginning of my time that the mass amount of influences in my life have never been negative. While fear and pain constantly hover over my soul, the people around me have always been filled with the love I crave for to the point of insanity. It's remarkable that a human being raised in a house completely opposite of the casual emo stereotype turn out beyond depressed past the point of teenagehood. It's even more remarkable that this fear and pain I've let inside me, was constructed through a series of minor events that fill my day-to-day mindset more so the present itself. But then again you can argue that all of us are like that, instinctively, I believe most of us cringe to the sharpest points of our lives. Since that's my belief, and the truth is that humanity is cruel; then that leads us to the conclusion that the majority will only ever remember the darkest points of their lives.
    I know I'm supposed to be introducing myself here, expressing to you all the basis of me, of how I am, and who I am, but the whole point of this writing is to allow you to view who I am beyond the intro. Start a story with a hero and throw him into a challenge he fails, where then he continues the path of that who defeated him, continuing the cycle of pain we layed down the second we bowed to nature (for nature itself will never bow to us). At the end of the story, if his book ends with a grim expression of self (IE: The "lame" Star Wars Trilogy) then the character is forever viewed as a villain. Darth Vader would never again be viewed as the hero he once claimed he wanted to be. So throw away your "perception" of English and time lines, throw away your view of correction and language, for I'm here to show myself as a human being, try as I might, I would never be able to complete describing myself with the thousands of words in the art. But I will however allow you to view a glimpse of my thought, my heart, and my soul.
    So now that you know people change, lets get some things out of the way. There is no such thing as a "preset", some claim there are, but threw my experience in life, the outcome of one chasing "what was once lost" has been false hope. You are who you are when you are who you are. Just because yesterday you craved blood and went out and killed a pig, doesn't mean that today you won't be able to fight the crave and one day become pig killing crave free. Part of the reason for this rhythmic dance of words is to help describe the person I want to be tomorrow. My past does not present me today. So while I go in detail of it, do not claim me to be that today, for ignorance is a bliss that I decide to trust in only in the most crucial of situations. Something else to get out of the way, and probably the first description of who I am today, my music. My ears are a blessing I indulge on a daily basis, so are my eyes and my hands, although my body is a desired blessing, it's unfortunate that I was born fat. There are more misfortunes (like change) but that's meant for the rest of the book.
    Madina Lake, I charge you all to do a quick search on Myspace for this band, and whether you're a gangster or a rocker, I charge you to sit down and hear some of their songs. Listen to any of their songs, sit down, take it in. Now that you know what new-gen feels like, I'm going to go ahead and let some things out to further let you understand who I am. I want to start a band, I want to do something big, extraordinary, and unventured. I have idea's in my head of how to throw down some sick shit, and I'm also responsible for writing down beyond sick shit. Mixing my love for sound waves (on drugs) with the passion for the keyboard (or pen, I do write like a old person sometimes) will only produce sporadic sickness meant to be loved by all. "But Davis, how can you produce anything good when all you like are snot nose bands", if that's what you're thinking, charge yourself with ignorance. You're guilty of judgment (as am I on a daily basis), and you've officially declared yourself a higher being then me and seek to shrug off the words on the screen for the sake of your own pride. Congratulations, you're in pain.
    I can write about music for days, from the amazing lyrical content a few rappers produce (Lupey I'm looking your way), to the odd and quirky requirements for the dance poses in hardcore techno(try some Angerfist, it'll make energy out of thin air). But I don't feel like it right now. It feels like I've thrown enough of a serious aspect of my life on this entry, that's not my goal (however it will occur). I wish to simply express my adventure, as it unfolds beyond today.
  17. Lucandrake

    I'm an idiot

    By Lucandrake,

    How do you survive when every single friend you have, appears to only have one goal in mind, and that's to push walls in every corner conceivable onto you. Imagine being tested day-in, day-out, with a friend that is dating your sister. In his mind he is set for life, living with his mother, and his 23 year old drop out brother, and while he has a job, actually denies hours when they're literally given to him like candy. You want your sister to have someone that is growing every day, not someone who is confined with not having any self-esteem, the way I see it, if you're ok with being fear full to the point that you have no confidence, you're ok with being trash on the floor that has no meaning in purpose or life but to stay alive because they're too female organ to commit suicide. Imagine a friend who just started college again, but as soon as entering the campus doors, the only thing on his mind is female organ and weed. He feels like he's found his love, he feels happy and accomplished, but has yet to prove to you that starting school was done for himself and not the sake of socializing. Not to mention that this friend managed to actually push you over the curve and managed to get you high twice without thought, although I blame myself, I don't want to be nobody in my life and only nobodies get wasted for the sake of running away from life. Imagine a friend that while attractive, cute, and outgoing, available, has failed countless times to grab your attention, on every scale, and anytime you want to do anything with her the only word on your mind is "settle", and I don't fucking settle, it's not my style. Imagine a bunch of online/rl friends, who at one point actually failed all your tests, but now has come back trying to befriend you for attempting to fend off boredom. You know how to play a game, and because of this people always seek you to lead groups, but your tired of playing games, you want to live life, and the games are the only thing that prove to be non-lonely. Last but not least imagine a friend....
     
    Knows how to read you, knows how to inspire you, never gets angry with you, is always content no matter how much effort you put, is ready to help you out if need be, is always there to talk to, and regardless of what happens you feel you'll always be there no matter how low of a support you become....
     
    I have two friends like that, and only one ever talks back to me, one will never push walls on me without reason or intent, the other one regardless of what I do will always have a wall up in my face ready to crush my bones as I squeal like a 2 year old begging for a painless life.
  18. Lucandrake
    Lets start this up by stating the obvious, I'm not the "Joker", I'm a joker. That is my role in every single story. It's sickening when you think about it. I've played the enemy. I've played the hero. I've played the side character and the teacher himself. But no matter what the situation, I always end up back where I began. Smiling in the back of the crowd to myself, as I watch a play of hypocricy and idiocy react to my doing. I've told both sides information, I've told both sides they've won, and their losses. It's sickening, it's disgusting, and I love every second of it.
     
    When your daughter spends a month crying to herself thinking she's pregnant. you can bet that was my whisper in her ear.
     
    When her boyfriend thinks nothing but resemt, it was my influence that caused him to feel as if he did wrong doing.
     
    When your wife is simply over tears at the mere thought that her daughter engaged, in LOVE, the woman discovered the daughters secrets through my letters.
     
    When you yourself wonder why a family of happiness went down through misery in mere minutes, you can bet, it was our conversations, that got you thinking in the first place.
     
    Soap opera's are fake, drama's too much, I'm here to live life, and by living I choose to laugh at those in disgust. My job, is to giggle, as you merely suffer. When you cry, I smirk, when your depressed, I feel nothing but happiness. The funny part is, that through out all eternity, I am forever to live in the souls of those who resemble me.
     
    Your happiness lasts for a mere life time, my laughter goes on forever.
  19. Lucandrake
    The day begins with my eyes hovering over the smoke filled sky that's been hidden behind the cliff I'm currently standing on. If I was to turn around I'd see nothing but the grounds act of "poffing" seemlessly as, if to shout the words "Jump" at me. Without hesitation I quickly leap, and as the smoke screen begins to clear up, I regonize the actions and events of present as they unfold. I laugh and seemlessly appear shocked as if surprised by the effects of my causes.
     
     
     
     
     
     
    I couldn't finish this for some reason, I just stopped writing and before I knew it I was on to a new page.
  20. Lucandrake
    The desire to help is in some cases, the emotion of demeaning and above power to the other end. Many however would agree, that the attribute is a plus in any human, and that when the practice is put into effect, both sides benifit. On one hand, you got the emotionless someone become a toy, with the ability to self manipulate its own batteries, the owner of the toy now has a convieniant additions towards the reason of ownership, and a new friend in suddenly realising that mistreatmeant of it will only result in the departure of said toy. Why is it that the living is easy to treat right, but in terms of setting and taking care of the immovible, we ignore our cause and whine at the effect?
  21. Lucandrake
    So...excuses! Lets begin a paper with some.
    I'm tired. I'm bored. I'm sad. I'm deppressed. I don't feel like it. Maybe if I...., Maybe if I didn't...., Maybe if we..., Maybe if we didn't... what if? When if? Why? Why should I? Why shouldn't I? Maybe later. Maybe tommorow. Maybe next week. Maybe next month. Maybe next year. Maybe next decade. Maybe some other time. I don't know. Tons of more to write on paper! But I won't. You already know all of them anyways, considering you use about 100 at a time every day.
  22. Lucandrake
    When presenting a case to the employers of mass control, the title "need money for education" is read "Hungry Male/Female/Dog Number XXX-XX-XXXX". Rich swines do not make dough anymore, as the old once did, in the past having a brain, balls, and the courage to never back down was enough to control a mass, now in days the same fools are merely used to counter those that were once put in control. So we wait, those with the 3 attributes, to be given a bone/plate of food, and enough money to buy the books others have had in their shelves for centuraies. In that act you either shut of your brain or entertain yourself with another activity. At times it's felt as if this is all done on purpose, but blame is quickly thrown left and right, in all directions. While the ones on top giggle and frown once again at the realization that power != happiness.
  23. Lucandrake
    Patience. A act of self-enduring norm, a much need skill in this world of everlasting list of requirments to live. As you open the shower curtain in the morning, to await a drizzle of warm water, patience activates at the sudden notice of the shower head deciding by itself to fire cold instead. The car drive, the finding of the keys if not endured through, another skill activates, one that had I been god would not implant on any human being, annoyance. Soon after activating, requires another interview with patience, for at that moment you need to calm, and upon choosing not to do so, your life goes from crap, to crap pile.
  24. Lucandrake
    I slept all night, for the first time in 2 weeks, woke up at 4 a.m., I'm ready for the few days of good sleep up ahead of me, the shift of my internal clock clenging to the thought of opposite solar truths takes but a mere glimpse of reality before sucking me back in to its deranged idea of sun equals moon as the other is believed to be rule as well. I am forever sickened by the thought that in order for me to dream at night( for dreaming in the day is a sub-concious activity)my body requires pills. In taking those pills it attracts itself to the effect like a 5 year old with his mother, and taking the "help" away would only have the same effect to the child as if to murder her in front of his face.How hard it is to get over something as cruel as taht. I think the difficulty increases when it's merely replicated.
  25. Lucandrake
    Let's start this year off in a much different form of button maching then ever so-previously. For starters, write, write as much as possible, whenever possible, excel your limits of limitless emotion on paper, and forever carge your brilliant mind inside the collector journals of soon. Scratch deppression, be sad, but to the point of pain. Jump in one dark, and for the week(s) to come you'll spend your effort climbing out. Spell! Corret what others misspell, correct what you missepll, hoever true English is brought up by genius with mass-emotion, brainless dickheads care no more for brilliance on paper then for turds if structure and intellegence aren't present. Sadly those people know not that turds themselves are greater in quality then they'll ever be. Well, bus ride is almost over, peace.
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