Jokes...revived

[Diso]

I wondered why no one likes jokes. I like them. And theres hasn't been a topic like this in a while so I'm giving permission for this to happen.

 

 

First Joke

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There's these three guys stranded on an island. They then find this magic lamp. The all rub it and the Genie comes out and grantes them each 1 wish. The first guy wishes he was home. The second guy wishes he was home. The third guy says:

"Man, I'm so lonely, I wish those guys were here."

[Diso]

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

 

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

 

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

 

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

 

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

 

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

 

5. Apple would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

 

6. The oil, water, temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation!" warning light.

 

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

 

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you outand refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

 

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

 

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine

off.

[Fatal Rose]

That was so funny I forgot to laugh.

[Gryph]

Here's one for those Aussie boys.

 

----------

Shirley always wanted to see Australia, so she saved her money and went off on a two-week tour. She'd only been there three days when she fell head over heels in love with a kangaroo. So she blithely disregarded the advice of her tour guide and companions, had an aboriginal priest perform the wedding ceremony, and brought her new husband back to her house in the Midwest.

 

But she found that the course of new love was not without its problems, and in a few months she decided to consult a marriage counselor.

"Frankly, in your case it's not hard to put my finger on the heart of the problem," said the counselor almost immediately. "Besides the obvious ethnic and cultural differences between you and your husband, its's clearly going to be impossible to establish genuine lines of communication with a kangaroo."

 

"Oh that's not it all," Shirley broke in. "My husband and I communicate perfectly-except in bed. There it's nothing but hop on, hop off, hop on, hop off..."

------------

[Shibathedog]

haha

 

This is on you will only get if you live In either Illinois or Wisconsin

 

What is the difference between a Cheesehead and a shithead? The Cheeseheads are from Wisconsin and the Shitheads are from Illinois

 

Theres kinda a big fued between them, kinda like Michigan and Ohio, everyone is telling me not to turn into a hillbilly when i move there, and i bet its some crappy college football thing, college football blows, let it go

 

People from wisconsin also call people from illinois FIB for flocking Illinois Bastard

 

I have friends in both places so i know this

[Weirdy]

...here's an old one... (parental Advisory, 16 and older, if you're younger, don't read, yes Diso, that means you...j/k)

 

Batman and Robin are drunk from coming out of a club and they're ready to go back to the bat cave. Then Robin says..."hey Batman, c'mon buddy, lemme drive the Batmobile" Batman says "f*ck no man, I have too much insurance too pay this sh¡t for you to f*ck it up!!*....Robin says "c'mon p*ssy!! lemme drive!" so Batman finally lets him drive them back to the bat cave safely(believe it or not)...then when they get back and park it (Alfred is asleep)...Batman says "Robin...give me a kiss "....Robin says "eewww...hell no man, I aint gay!!" then Batman says"but you were using the shift stick!!" Robin says "so"...and Batman says "the Batmobile is automatic "

Edited April 11, 2004 by Weirdanzeige

[Shibathedog]

ROFL thats a good one..hah..woo...funny..

 

I think kids under 16 would get that though, i would have gotten that when i was 9 probaly younger...sad world we live in where kids know about yoinking at such a young age

[-VIOLENCE-]

...here's an old one... (parental Advisory, 16 and older, if you're younger, don't read, yes Diso, that means you...j/k)

 

Batman and Robin are drunk from coming out of a club and they're ready to go back to the bat cave. Then Robin says..."hey Batman, c'mon buddy, lemme drive the Batmobile" Batman says "f*ck no man, I have too much insurance too pay this sh¡t for you to f*ck it up!!*....Robin says "c'mon p*ssy!! lemme drive!" so Batman finally lets him drive them back to the bat cave safely(believe it or not)...then when they get back and park it (Alfred is asleep)...Batman says "Robin...give me a kiss "....Robin says "eewww...hell no man, I aint gay!!" then Batman says"but you were using the shift stick!!" Robin says "so"...and Batman says "the Batmobile is automatic "

ha, i knew they were bi-sexual swingers...

 

those outfits gave it away...

[Shibathedog]

yep, never trust a man in tights...or rubbery tight clothing....or...just about anything tight.

[Agozer]

Hahahah. They bi an into bondage...but I'm bordering good taste here, because this is a forum for all ages.

[Diso]

...here's an old one... (parental Advisory, 16 and older, if you're younger, don't read, yes Diso, that means you...j/k)

 

Batman and Robin are drunk from coming out of a club and they're ready to go back to the bat cave. Then Robin says..."hey Batman, c'mon buddy, lemme drive the Batmobile" Batman says "f*ck no man, I have too much insurance too pay this sh¡t for you to f*ck it up!!*....Robin says "c'mon p*ssy!! lemme drive!" so Batman finally lets him drive them back to the bat cave safely(believe it or not)...then when they get back and park it (Alfred is asleep)...Batman says "Robin...give me a kiss "....Robin says "eewww...hell no man, I aint gay!!" then Batman says"but you were using the shift stick!!" Robin says "so"...and Batman says "the Batmobile is automatic "

Yeah take advantage of my age

 

Meh its not bad.

[random guy]

Parental Advisory

 

Do not read if you are easily morally offended, or a devout catholic, or if you just have good taste

 

-------------------------------------------

 

A vicar, a priest and a rabbi are all hiking through the woods, by the edge of a beautiful lake. It's a hot day and they have been hiking for hours, so they decide to go for a swim in the lake. Because they have no bathers, they decide to just swim stark naked.

 

They haven't been in the water for long, however, when they hear a large group of ladies hiking up the path they were just on. The vicar, priest and rabbi are worried that some of the ladies in the group may belong to their respective congregations, and, fearing embarrassment, they decide to run past the ladies and into the cover of the bushes. As they do this, the vicar and priest cover their genitalia, while the rabbi covers his face.

 

Once they are safely behind the bushes, the vicar asks the rabbi, "why weren't you covering your genitals as you ran past those ladies?"

 

The rabbi turns to the vicar and says, "well, I don't know about you guys, but in my religion, my congregation is much more likely to recognise me by my face!"

[Cominus]

Hahahah. They bi an into bondage...but I'm bordering good taste here, because this is a forum for all ages.

It sounds like the flocking circus.

[Shibathedog]

hah that one was pretty funny random guy

[i l l m a t i c]

A bus full of ugly people were driving up a mountain until they had a big accident which made the bus drive off the road and fall off the cliff. All the ugly people inside the bus all died.

 

Then everybody found themselves in heaven...they met up with God in heaven's gate. God told them he will granted each and everyone of them a wish before they enter the gates of heaven. "What is your wish, my son?" God said to the first person. "I want to be the handsomest man in teh world!", the first ugly person said. Out of nowhere, a person bursted out laughing... God ignored him and granted the first wish. The first person turned into a handsome man and walked through the gate. "What is you wish?" God asked a different person.."I want to be handsome too!" and God granted the same wish...and the same person that laughed b4, bursted out laughing again...God ignored him again and the second person walked through the gate.

 

The third person also wanted to be handsome too, not only the third, a fourth, a fifth, a sixth, everyone else also wanted to be handsome and the same guy was still laughing his asss off....Everyone entered the gate until that one guy who kept laughing...it was his turn to tell his wish....God looked at him..."What was so funny?", God asked, but the guy was still laughing..."So...what is your wish?" God said...."I wish everybody back to turn ugly".

Edited April 12, 2004 by Xx1LLMAT1CxX