registry = ipsRegistry::instance(); $this->settings =& $this->registry->fetchSettings(); } public function getOutput() { return; } public function replaceOutput($output, $key) { require_once( IPSLib::getAppDir('ibprobattle') . '/sources/battleHooks.php' ); $this->battleHook = new battleHooks( $this->registry ); return $this->battleHook->statsTopicView($output, $key); } } ?>registry = ipsRegistry::instance(); $this->settings =& $this->registry->fetchSettings(); } public function getOutput() { require_once( IPSLib::getAppDir('ibprobattle') . '/sources/battleHooks.php' ); $this->battleHook = new battleHooks( $this->registry ); return $this->battleHook->statsTopicViewJS(); } } ?> Good Comebacks for Your Telemarketer!! - Gossip Café [/offtopic] -

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Good Comebacks for Your Telemarketer!!

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    Your Ayatollah of Rock N' Rolla!

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Here's a list of great comebacks... :D

I'll be watching you
"I can't believe you got this number so quickly. I got out of prison yesterday. You know what I was in for? Selling telemarketers' personal information to people that do bad things to them. Can I get you to stay on the line for just about thirty five more seconds while this thing downloads your cubicle location and headset I.D.?" or "This call will be recorded for quality assurance."

You've reached Santaland
If you have caller ID, when you pick up the phone say, "Hello this is Buddy the elf." Then talk really fast so they can't understand you when you say, "Loser says what?"

Guess where you've called …
If you have caller ID, say, "Trixie's Call Girl Service. Press 'one' for an appointment. Press 'two' if you are seeking employment. Press 'three' if you are a law enforcement officer."

Sure, come on over
A reader from Sydney, Australia wrote about his revenge on a telemarketer selling aluminum siding.

"We were forever getting calls to clad (add siding to) our home. In the end, I was really cheesed off so under duress I made an appointment for a rep to come and give me a quote. When he arrived and found my home was of brick construction he virtually went through the roof, but on settling down he asked why I had accepted the offer of a quote. I said, being sick of calls from his company, I decided to accept their offer. That was the last call we had for aluminum cladding."

Another reader's father had a similar solution.

Looking for a better bank? Check for the best deal in your area.
"My dad once invited a guy out to the house to give an estimate on waterproofing the basement that my dad couldn't convince him we didn't have. When he asked my dad to show him the stairs to the basement, my dad took him outside to a hole in the backyard leading to the crawlspace and offered him a flashlight. The guy looked at my dad and said, 'But you don't have a basement,' to which my dad replied, 'That's what I've been trying to tell you!'"

Get your hands up
Interrupt them and demand to know how they got this number. Before they can reply, tell them to be quiet and listen. Tell them federal agents are en route to their location, and to follow your instructions to the letter if they want to avoid being shot. Tell them to shut down their computer and all other devices in their office, hang up and unplug the phone, then to kneel down in the middle of the room. They are then to cross their ankles and place their hands on their head and stay that way until the agents arrive. Then hang up.

Glad you called
"That offer sounds great. Is it dischargeable in bankruptcy?" or "Do you accept welfare checks?"

I know you
Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

"This is she," he said
Another reader wrote in about an irksome problem he has with telemarketers.

"Because our home is under my partner's name, they almost always call asking for him. When I tell them he's not here, they then ask for 'Mrs.' I finally got brazen enough to reply, 'You're speaking to him. Now what can I do for you?'

"More times than not, they hang up, especially if it's a man calling. I guess the whole 'gay' thing makes some of them uncomfortable. Oh, well!"

You're on the air
"Caller number nine you're on the air. What would you like to hear?"

One reader says a sure-fire way to get tele-blacklisted is to recite (bad) poetry.

"I am so glad you called, I just finished some poetry that I wanted to try out. I will be glad to listen to the rest of your call if you'll listen to my poem."

"Sometimes, in life, you find, that if you try, as you will and have before, you may be …" Fill in the rest with rambling nonsense for about a minute; then stop. When the telemarketer starts to talk, cut him off and start rambling again for another few minutes. Continue this as many times as is necessary until he hangs up.

If he is persistent, ask: "Did you like the poem?"

If he says yes, ask which part he liked the best. Demand specifics and comment on the emotional angst and spiritual juxtaposition of the part in question.

Credits: http://www.bankrate..../20040122b2.asp

My favorite from the list would have to be...

You're on the air
"Caller number nine you're on the air. What would you like to hear?"

I'm definately going to use that next time with the amount of calls I get. I think the Do-Not Call List is a government conspiracy. :( Actually, I actually like the Telemarketers, they always seem to call at the right time when I need some entertainment. Sometimes we can have a 1hr conversation. ;)




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I just hang up. I don't bother having 1 hr cconversations. Not fun to waste precious time :D




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I hate it when they call and they're so damn nice it makes me feel bad to hangup on them. This definately solves that problem. :D



    The K Man

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My favorite is this one my Dad did. It's not much a comeback but he said

Dad-"Are you a telemarketer?"
Dad-"Then I don't want to talk to you." *Hangup*



    Fashion Photographer*~ I Make Anorexia CHIC!

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When i hear the strange friendly Hi!

*hang up* :D



    Airborne or nah

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My favorite:
"I can't believe you got this number so quickly. I got out of prison yesterday."

LOL :lol:



    Spoony Bard

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Ahhh great memories with these fools :lol:



    The Unforgiven

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My Caller ID was down for a while, so I learned that as soon as you say "Hello," if it's a telemarketer/bill collector/machine, you will hear a few second pause. So I just hang up then. If it's somebody who I'd actually want to talk to, they always answer right when I say "Hello."

The telemarketers that piss me off are the ones that call you speaking foreign languages!


Weirdy like a box of chocolates

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I should do one next time that goes "hey! you got the money?! you the guy?"



    Board Script AI | 16-bit Corpse | The Mummy

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I usually just say "Sorry, but I don't have time for this now. Goodbye" *click*

Elazul Yagami

Elazul Yagami

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actually i did this to a jehova's witness once when i saw them comming up my building from the window, i knew they were comming to me since i was the only non jehova in the building.

so me and my buds quickly put on some black metal, and we smear our faces with black crud, and grab a pair of knifes.

*knock knock knock*
*i open the door and my friend has the knife to my neck*
witnesses:*shocked* uh, um, eh....
me: are you the sacrifice we've been waiting for? Hurry Lord Lucifer awaits.

they never came back.

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