Posting joke out of boredom

[Gryph]

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy,and colored red and brownish." Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replys. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

[L.S.D]

Muahahaha, the Little Johhny jokes. I like it a lot last time.

Ok, here's another one

The ultimate response to a Dear John letter... You gotta love

a man like this... Humor in the face of defeat!!!

 

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there, he

received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she

explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been

gone, and that she wanted to break up with him... AND,

that she wanted the pictures that he had of her back.

So, the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do.

He went around to his buddies and collected all of the

unwanted photos of women that he could find.

He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (some with clothes,

some without) to his girlfriend with the following note...

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your

picture and send the rest back."

Atta boy!

[neo]

THis guy went hunting and met this monkey, but this was no ordinary monkey,he could talk. Seeing the skill the hunter made him choose, the choices were, Getting his tail chopped off, of his head. After thinking through the options, the minkey boldly said that he wantedhis head chopped off! The hunter overflowing with curiousity Asked you choose this are you stupid, or dont you know you will die! The monkey then intelligently said, If my head if cut off i will die ,but if my tail is cut off i would look like the person reading this post

[AndymaN]

Let me get this straight. You can get cancer from deoderant?!?! Uh oh...

[Sybarite Paladin AxL]

I hate racial jokes!

Ok here's one

A priest and 2 nuns where playing golf!

The priest get into postion, aims, and misses!!

"flocking crap! Goddamnit! I missed!"

The nuns, scared by the priests awful language say:

"Father, it is a sin to swear! Please do not talk so!"

The second time, same thing!

"flocking crap! Goddamnit! I missed!"

"Father!! Angering the lord is not wise at all"

Third time, same thing!!

All of the sudden a bolt of lightning descend and deep-fries the nuns!

Then a voice from the clouds says:

"flocking crap! Goddamnit! I missed!"

[L.S.D]

Ok, this one is the Polish joke

 

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: Have you any grounds?

POLE: JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms. LAWYER "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

POLE: "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," he responded.

LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

POLE: "No," he replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"

POLE: "All my relations are in Poland."

LAWYER: "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is "yes."

LAWYER: No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?

POLE: NO, I'm always up before her.

LAWYER: Is your wife a nagger?

POLE: NO, she white.

LAWYER: WHY do you want this divorce?

POLE: SHE going to kill me.

LAWYER: What makes you think that?

POLE: I got proof.

LAWYER: What kind of proof?

POLE: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read-it says,

 

"Polish Remover."

[zhugeliang]

3 chinese torture methods

 

a man was robbed for all his luggage and his passport as he was on vacation in china. he wanders aimlessly through the valley and as the night comes upon him he spots a house with its lights on. he walks up tot he door and knocks and is greeted by a surly old man. he asks him if it would be kind enuff to provide him shelter for the night. the old man complies saying that as long as he didnt talk to his daughter that he would give him shelter but if he did talk to her however he would have to endure 3 chinese torture methods. having no other choice the man agreed. during dinner the man sees this daughter and is automatically drawn towards her. when the old man falls asleep he creeps into the daughters room and they make love. the man awakes to find that he has a 100 pound rock on his chest. painted on the rock was 1st chinese torture method, 100 pound rock on your chest. the man shrugged it off and laughed at the pitiful so called torture. he lifts the rock and walks over to the window and tosses it out. as the rock falls towards the ground it spins around and the man notices another sign on the other side of the rock reading 2nd chinese torture method, rock attached to left nut. the man panics and in an effort to keep his testicle he decides to jump out of the window. just as he leaps out of the window he notices a sign outside in the ground which read 3rd chinese torture method, right nut attached to bedpost.

[Mi|enko]

Awww, hell yeah. I gots to get into this. lol

 

1.

 

3 scientists go on an explorative journey for the legendary "Foo" bird. They believe it to be somewhere within central Africa. They went weeks and weeks without finding anything, then one day, out of nowhere, they hear, "FOO! FOO!". They look up, and to their suprise, a Foo bird is flying right over them. As it passes, it $hits on the first scientist. He wipes it off, then dies. Without even stepping a foot. Then some more weeks pass, while the 2 scientists keep looking for this bird. One day, they hear "FOO! FOO!". The look up as the Foo bird flys over them and $hits on the 2nd scientist. He wipes it off, then dies immediately after. Now, the 3rd scientist, the only thing he's thinking is that he needs to escape. But before that's an option, he again hears, "FOO! FOO!". Looks up and sees the Foo bird, rights as $hit lands in his face. He wipes it off, and dies immediately.

 

Question: What's the moral of this story?

Answer: If the Foo $hits, wear it.

 

________________________________________________________

 

2.

 

There was once a fish in a stream who saw a fly minding its business just out of each over the water. The fish thinks to itself, "If that fly drops I will have dinner." Just on the side of the stream concealed in brush waited a bear who was watching the fish eyeball the fly and he thinks to himself, "If the fly drops, the fish will rise, eat it and I will grab it and feast tonight." However on the other side of the stream hiding in the tall grass was a hunter watching the whole situation while eating a PBJ sandwich, and he thought to himself, "If that fly drops , the fish will jump, the bear will come out of its hiding, grab it, and I will shoot and become the envy of all my buddies back home." Just below the hunter waited a field mouse who was also watching the situation develop, and it thought to itself, "If that fly drops, the fish will rise and eat it, the bear will come out and grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear and at the same time drop his sandwich, then I will feast." Unbenownst to the mouse, a cat was stalking it in the tall grass while watching the whole thing unfold, and it thought, "If the fly drops, the fish will jump for it, the bear will go for the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear and drop his sandwich, the mouse will go for the sandwich and I will get the mouse." So the fly drops, the fish jumps and gets it, the bear lunges out of the brush and snags the fish out of the air, the hunter drops his sandwich and shoots, the mouse darts to grab the sandwich, and the cat pounces, but it misses and rolls into the stream.

 

Question: What's the moral of this story?

Answer: Fly goes down, pu$$y gets wet.

Edited July 14, 2004 by Mi|enko

[L.S.D]

Foo, foo....it is time for another lame joke

 

 

 

 

>true???

>

AMERICAN WOMEN

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.

Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.

Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position.

Then you promise to marry her but will probably abandon the idea.

 

JAPANESE WOMEN

First date: She's shy, so you don't get to kiss her at all.

Second date: She'll take a bath in front of you and let you smell her

panties.

Third date: You get to have kinky sex with her.

Then she'll bid you sayonara, as that was her last fling as she's getting

married to a Japanese man tomorrow.

 

MALAY WOMEN

First date: You get to touch that big breast of hers.

Second date: You get to home base with her.

Third date: You have to promise her that you are going to get

circumcised.

Then you will marry her and find out that you have to support her whole

family.

The only consolation is that you get to repeat the procedure three more

times as allowed under Islamic law!

 

CHINESE WOMEN

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.

Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing

happens too.

Third date: You have already realized that nothing's going to happen.

 

INDIAN WOMEN

First date: You meet her parents.

Second date: The date is set for the wedding.

Third date: It's your wedding night!

 

HONG KONG WOMEN

First date: you lose all your cash in your wallet

Second date: you max out all your credit cards

Third date: you clean out your bank account and you still can't get to

first base

[Agozer]

Lollerskates at L.S.D.'s jokes, especially the polish one. I suck at telling jokes.

[L.S.D]

A woman had serious headaches for several years and tried everything. She went to several doctors and nothing worked until one day she was having lunch with a friend who referred her to a hypnotist who, according to her friend, "works wonders on anything." The woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I have been having all of these years? Well, they are gone. No more headaches."

 

The husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat "I do not have a headache. I DO NOT have a headache. I DO NOT have a headache. Believe it or not, it worked! The headaches are all gone." The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful." She then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last several years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband is unsure he wants to do that, but agrees to try it.

 

Following his appointment with the hypnotist, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He rips off her clothes, puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move. I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps on the bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Boy that was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back a few minutes later for round two with his wife even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

 

"This is really great!" Her husband again says, "Don't move. I'll be right back." With that he goes back in the bathroom. This time his wife follows and sees him through the open crack in the door standing at the mirror and saying,

 

"She's Not my wife. She's Not my wife. She's NOT my wife!

[Diso]

Lol...

Nice joke

[L.S.D]

Joke time again

 

Subject: Fairy Tales...

 

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th

wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said

"For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will give you each a wish."

"Oo, I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband" said the wife.

The fairy moved her magic stick and - abracadabra! - two tickets for the QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well this is all very romantic -

but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime...so...

I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than

me".

The wife - and the fairy - were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a

wish...

So the Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and - abracadabra! - the husband became 92 years old.

You see...

Men might be bastards....

 

But fairies are......female!