Botanist Loses Funding

[Elazul Yagami]

Botanist Loses Funding for Illegal Stem Cell Research

 

A botanist at the University of Wyoming was stunned to learn that a 3-year, $2 million grant from the National Science Foundation was being revoked due to his work on an unapproved line of stem cells.

 

"But of course I'm working with stem cells," said Ian flockon, associate professor of botany at UW. "It's rather hard to get around when doing work on a plant.  What on earth is going on?"

 

flockon ran afoul of the federal restriction on stem cell research, which is apparently being enforced by agents who are not clear on what, exactly, stem cells actually are.

 

"The law is perfectly clear on this point," said Gina Rosser, of the National Institute of Health Research Compliance Division. "There are approved cells and unapproved cells, and government money may not be used for the unapproved kind. Trust me: we have no trouble taking money back."

 

Stem cells are the foundation cells for every organ, tissue and cell in the body. They are like a blank microchip that can ultimately be programmed to perform any number of specialized tasks. Stem cells are undifferentiated, "blank" cells that do not yet have a specific function. While they are considered by many to hold substantial promise for medical research, the fact that they are often harvested from embryos has led to a substantial political furor. The Bush administration attempted to strike a compromise by permitting federally funded research to continue on a limited range of pre-existing stem cell lines only.

 

"Yes, but those are human stem cells," protested flockon. "They aren't the same thing as plant stem cells at all."

 

The official position of the administration, however, is that stem cells are stem cells however you slice it.

 

"We are taking a firm stance on this very difficult issue," said President Bush in a press conference last Friday. "The issues are complicated, and many hairs are being split in an effort to get around the restrictions. Well, we're wise to that. A stem cell is a stem cell is a stem cell." When a reporter attempted to point out that in fact this was not the case, the president gave a wise smile and said, "Hey now, aren't you a troublemaker."

 

To complicate matters further, a warrant was issued for flockon's arrest by the Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms agency when it was learned that he has also conducted work on pistil cells.

 

"I don't know much about science, but believe me, a pistil cell is just one step away from a terrorist cell," said Carl Truscott, director of the ATF. There was no word on whether flockon's research on stamen cells would result in additional charges.

 

flockon could not be reached at his office following the ATF announcement, but his secretary indicated that he could be reached by cell phone.

 

"Cell phone? My God... has the man no shame?" said Truscott.

 

a later april fools post.

found it funny though.

[Diso]

Lol thats pretty funny

[Elazul Yagami]

Another April Fools Article

 

President 'punked' press, public with Iraq gag

By John Breneman

 

President Bush today responded to a new report investigating the bogus pre-war intelligence scam that led to war in Iraq by admitting that the whole thing was nothing more than a big prank.

 

"Gotcha. Heh-heh," Bush said to a slack-jawed pack of media jackals assembled for the April 1 press conference. "You been punk'd. Heh-heh."

 

"The whole weapons of mass destruction thing, the stuff about Saddam being linked to al Qaeda… I mean we even had FOX News telling people Iraq had to pay for Sept. 11. It was classic," said Bush, barely able to control his glee.

 

"And I couldn't have done it without all you guys," Bush told the assembled media. "It was Rummy's idea but everybody was in on it Condi, Wolfie, Cheney, the whole gang. Special thanks to the White House press corps. Everybody except that Colin Powell guy, of course. We punk'd him too."

 

"Uranium yellowcake, aluminum tubes; that was Condi. And when George Tenet came up with that 'Slam dunk' bit, I swear I thought Cheney was gonna have an aneurysm," Bush snickered. "I've gotta take credit for 'Mission Accomplished' though. You had to love me in that flightsuit, right?"

 

The president said he almost blew the gag just over a year ago on March 26 when he did a standup routine at the Radio & Television Correspondents Association annual dinner. "Those weapons of mass destruction must be here somewhere," the commander-in-cheek said at the time, while showing a photograph of him looking under a desk.

 

Despite some good-natured cajoling from the press, Bush said the nation will have to wait until April 1, 2006, to learn the punchline of his Social Security reform prank.

 

 

Article

[Gryph]

My genetics teacher once "joked" with us that he had stem cells in his pocket. He pulled out the stem of a flower. No one laughed.

[Lucandrake]

May someone please enlightened the weak minded?

[Agozer]

My genetics teacher once "joked" with us that he had stem cells in his pocket. He pulled out the stem of a flower. No one laughed.

I wonder. The joke was lame as hell.

[Z-Neo]

May someone please enlightened the weak minded?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

/me shines a light on Drake. There you go

 

Seriously, though, which part didn't you get?

[Agozer]

May someone please enlightened the weak minded?

 

/me shines a light on Drake. There you go

 

Seriously, though, which part didn't you get?

He's 15. I don't know if that's an excuse for not knowing what's going on, though.

[Z-Neo]

May someone please enlightened the weak minded?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

/me shines a light on Drake. There you go

 

Seriously, though, which part didn't you get?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

He's 15. I don't know if that's an excuse for not knowing what's going on, though.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

 

I know, it really wasn't meant as sarcasm or anything, but if he really didn't understand it, I was going to explain the issue and or the joke to him. I figured he would have heard about stem cell research on the news, or at least maybe discussed in class.

[Agozer]

May someone please enlightened the weak minded?

 

/me shines a light on Drake. There you go

 

Seriously, though, which part didn't you get?

He's 15. I don't know if that's an excuse for not knowing what's going on, though.

 

 

I know, it really wasn't meant as sarcasm or anything, but if he really didn't understand it, I was going to explain the issue and or the joke to him. I figured he would have heard about stem cell research on the news, or at least maybe discussed in class.

True. I'll let you explain it to him then.