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Collapsing like gravity

Posted by Lucandrake , 01 July 2009 · 514 views

The Change
It's all getting through. All the pain, all the sadness, all the fucking anxiety issues and stress. It's crawling up me like a determined solder aiming to strike down my very heart. I've been craving a "let loose", seriously. Booz, a fucking cig, some weed, anything! It's all crushing my mind at the pace of a recently married rabbit on a bed. I haven't slept well in over a week. I failed one class this past semester. The view of loneliness, despite the family and friends I've made this past year, doesn't want to go the fuck away. I've been holding back tears for the past two months, and the only reason is because I figured out that if I smiled they won't let out, figuring it to be strength, I'm really starting to doubt it and wonder if it's just confusion for weakness. The only things that make me numb are grinding on a game I want to stop playing, and eating food I don't want to fucking shove down my throat. My mind only stays quiet when I hurt myself, otherwise it asks why? Why am I here? Why is my family in a struggle that it shouldn't be in? Why is empathy a fucking bitch to learn? Why is it that by instinct I "choose" to hurt more then to love? Why? Why? WHY?! I can't set a single goal and this tunnel I'm in sheds not a single drop of light. I've been told that this is "growing up", but who the fuck wants that? You want me to hurt others in order to supply happiness to my life? My life of undeserving gifts and styles that would be put to better use to someone who appreciates the air they breath? I also realize that I'm cursing a lot in this entry, but I can't seem to stop shouting agony at the wall, considering that every time I let out another "fuck" the laughter in the background quiets itself down a little more. Letting loose the very monster meant to control others for happiness I myself have become victimized by the mental invention of God designed by me. The very idea of combing my soul with impure thoughts but pure actions is what considered forcing my drive to the "me of today". So far I've seen not a single ounce of emotional profit or desired efficiency that is worth learning to gain complete control over the beast of my sub-conscious. Allowing myself to a slave just a little longer for the only spec of hope that's been in me since the second grade. I can't fucking take this today, or tomorrow, or after-tomorrow, but if I don't I'll get kicked out of school and forced into man-hood despite my desires. I dream of being kicked out of my house to accomplish the same force without loosing a good chance at an education I know I need. I dream of my very father committing a fatality on my heart (for "Finish Him" has been in place for the past 9 years), so that I may have NOTHING to come back to. I desperately try to find myself in my own cave, knowing that the answer isn't real, that to find myself I first have to create myself. If anything I've become a hypocrite of my judgment. For I do nothing but state answers to the problems of your life while mine remains problematic.

Fuck the world, on a day like today, all I do is numb myself out to ignore the shouts of the knife a few feet away from my hand. Fuck you all as well, this is me being real. Whether you dig or humiliate, I don't give a shit anymore.

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