Jokes

[dbdlupa]

Blonde paint job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

 

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

 

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[dbdlupa]

Advantages Of Being A Woman

Why it's better to be a Woman!

 

1. We got off the Titanic first.

 

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

 

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

 

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

 

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

 

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

 

7. Taxis stop for us.

 

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

 

9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

 

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies... (you get the point).

 

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

 

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

 

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

 

14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

 

15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

 

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

 

17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

 

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

 

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

 

20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

 

21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

 

22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

 

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

 

24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

 

25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

 

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

 

27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

 

28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

 

29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

 

30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

[dbdlupa]

Poor guy

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

 

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

 

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

 

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[Agozer]

The flood control exists on the board for a reason, so please don't post multiple times in a row. Give us time to read them and peoperly comment them.

[dbdlupa]

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

 

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

 

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

 

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

 

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

 

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

 

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

 

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

 

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

 

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

 

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

 

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

 

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

 

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

 

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

 

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[Robert]

Moved to Spam

[Agozer]

Well done.

[Robert]

It will stop him typing more of his crap into this thread at least.

[Gryph]

This job occasionally gets exciting when people like this show up. We're like old time Sherrifs.

[Robert]

You're right there. First time for me on this board.

[Agozer]

This job occasionally gets exciting when people like this show up. We're like old time Sherrifs.

Yes. Finally I got to do something.