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I realized I stopped writing for a bit, it coincides with the current struggles of my life. I've fixed my sleeping habits at least 3 different times this summer, and have broken it 4. But fuck it, I've written about me plenty here so that if anyone was ever to read it they could put together the pieces and figure out why I am the way I am. Although giant chunks of it are not present (IE: My father), I remember writing them down in threads during my earlier years on this board. So while not all is handed on a silver platter, it's still assessable through great detective work. But that wasn't my intent, for I've wiped my blog on at least 4 different occasions "starting anew". As it stands the only thing I figured out is that unlike a computer, I can't just reformat my heart, or unlike an mmo, reset my skills and create a new build on the flash (for the low low price of 100 Gold), and I especially can't find treasure that I once found and decided to throw away thinking of its back-then uselessness. Whatever, I really don't want to write about myself as it stands. But as a person I want to see myself become. For it's been put on me to save not only my family, but to save my friends. As korney as it sounds, it's just a matter of what I have to do. This sprang to me after a 3 year slumber, for my brain was nothing but idle during my mainstream of insomnia, the days that I could withstand weeks without sleep have ended. My body hindered, forced me to awake my conscious and create sense. Soon after I felt nothing but fear (still to do today), and regret (this no longer), for I wasted time while forcing those who cherished me beyond the point of no return. But for myself, life is easy. If I desired it I could easily save my family, disregarding anyone and everyone around me not in my family. Then I would be titled a hypocrite, for even those with darkness I wish to preserve. If I desired to save my friends tomorrow morning, I would simply disgrace my parents, claiming independence and forever picking up my own slack while garnering nothing but disgrace from their point of view. Not only that, but my friends would be considered enemies for eternity. If I desire to save only myself, that would be just as easy if I managed to sacrifice both sides by applying all their help to just me. In the end I would end up successful in a very short amount of time, while keeping my insanity at the same level but my darkness spread beyond the point of repair. In order to do what my heart desires however, save all without the shed of blood, then in the end I sacrifice my hobbies and myself. O how I wish to help everyone including myself. In the end I'm stuck trying to figure out a balance between us 3. My father sacrificed his friends, my mother sacrificed her family, My sister herself, being the only one to not make a decision in my family, I wonder if I'm destined to repeat all their mistakes on a grander scale? But that's all current and past troubles, I stated I wanted to see a future-me here. As it stands, I'm 100% me, while I "care" for my friends and family, I rarely ever go out of my way to help either of them. Even though on the outside I state otherwise, and my lips radiate the sound of a hero. On the inside I think of usually nothing but how to get what I want so I can further dig this hole I have dug through since middle school. I don't want that, I want it to be 50% me, 25% my family, 25% my friends. Then spreading out the balance so that the cap isn't 100% anymore, but 200, or even 300! Fuck that, dreams are goals which require high aim, 1,000%! O but what a useless dream, my imagination has far more planned for me than I can ever grasp. It steers ideas into my head that I only wish to produce in music, movies, games, books. Then fear lurks in, and laziness gangs up on me with him. Finally, my mistakes strike the final blow on to me, telling me "It's ok, you can try again tomorrow". The first time I suspected a teacher of showing genuine care for me, she expressed the words "Watch out for tomorrow, for it may never come.", 9 years later and I'm still incapable of producing results that understand the phrase. Shit, 9 years of unproductivity, 9 years of missed opportunities, 9 years of just staring at the game screen laughing away my life. I've considered it an addiction, and at the same time I haven't. While therapists claim both sides of the argument, not only with excuses but with bluntness. How would you feel if your school counselor told you that you where addicted to something electric? While your therapist turns around and claims that it's merely a phase? Which one is right? What if the answer is within me? If so I've already stated many times before that I need to stop looking at this T.V screen, him and his family (Mr.Monitor, Mrs.Handheld, Ms.Gaming Console that I spend lonely nights with on a daily basis). But everything electronic is what produces sporadic imaginative thoughts! Not only that, but it's where I've learned how to garner energy beyond that of normal human understanding! It's where I gained the ability to brute force logic at high speed rates with luck intensified results! This machine that claims my soul, has taught me so much, and I've become dependent of it for more than just homework. It's scary as well, for if my addictions (for food is an even greater enemy to my soul), have all taken over at an alarming rate. I've been suggested to Cold Turkey this bitch, but even then I start sacrificing all my energies for the sake of being able to type out my emotions. Are games necessary? Is the internet necessary? Can you be as good as your competition without them? What about with them? I feel like the lead off of virtual dependency. The prime of the human robot society, claiming that my soul and heart is heard throughout the pages of the internet while merely staying quite in my little cave. So what do I do? I keep throwing myself off topic because I can't seem to think past today for some reason. I want to look at tomorrow but I honestly only ever see myself 10 years down the road. Who I SHOULD be in that amount of time. Who I WANT to become in that amount of time. But I can never see myself doing something to improve for tomorrow, or the day after. But that's just a portion of the pain that I endure daily, I can write many more topics on the things I feel are holding me back. I can write an eternity as well on the characteristics of my lost soul. I want to change the world, but I have to learn how to change myself first. Is there any hope for someone who's still lost after so much time? If so, what are the limits? I'll end it here, I got plenty more to say, but I got some Pokemon that are in need of leveling.
I'm beginning to realize more loosely what I want to accomplish. Although fear is still in place, the idea of changing my daily routine to fit a healthy lifestyle is required before I go full force with the plans up ahead. I figure that a man attempting to figure out art, is stuck with the question of self before realizing masterpiece. Ahead of this current challenge of my life, ahead a few years from now, I wish to only see what I should be doing, instead of what I don't want to do. If I see myself alone, I become isolated. If I see myself failing, I somehow fall to the ground instantly. If I see myself crying, I begin to struggle upwards for air at the unforeseen event that my tears had already drowned me in my own pool of depression. I shiver at the idea that my obsession with all things entertaining should remain pure "hobby" (psychiatrists read: addiction), for I see myself capable of producing great works of art on scales not known to the casual or norm. Within my own writing, I am constantly bashed for a more "conversational" approach than what it "should" be (a "pure" English to be read like a machine, screw your emotions, I want efficiency! I, the invisible man behind the curtain making sure you stay in line, demand for you to be as robotic in nature as robots themselves). For the very idiots that claim knowledge don't realize themselves that not a single person in this world really reads that way! But hey, this isn't meant as bash to the usual, conformity sucks but it's because I refuse to dye my coat white that I will forever remain the black lamb of the pack. This is being written to view some of the very concepts in my head. How I wish to push the generic with my own interpretations of story, and forever evolve them as well with new structure never before seen by the masses. I wish to create movies in first person views! Whole movies! Although the script has never been written, I have this idea of sticking the camera man through a holocaust camp, complete with vulgarity, blood, violence. Straight up emotional nuclear missiles that the hearts of the viewers can't take beyond the 30th minute for fear of they themselves turning into something dark (for ignorance is blessed, and the devils of the world still see themselves as angels). I view a game that has enough options to make the craziest rpg/adventure game fan cream their pants with semen! The same game capable of creating orgasms to the techies (who don't want to make games, they want to make the computer their bitch! For their psychological problems are probably comparable to that of policemen!) on both beauty and design. Last but not least a game that will forever shut the door between realism and T.V for you will never forget the one scene where your brother begins to cry within your arms (and no, you will not get this sentence unless potential is realized). Then I see a band capable of producing music for ALL ears. Forget heavy metal, forget punk, forget rap, forget classical, forget country, forget genres for fucks sake! I dream at night of a band adored by all, labeled as unlabeble(Fuck you English, you fit my needs, this is now a word), associated with nothing but everything at the same time! O how I wish to present examples, but in all honesty, I fear (I hate fear, and I hate that I hate) that it might be laughed at. But I fear even more, of seeing it done by imitators. I dream of bringing evolution to media, something that hasn' happened in a long time. Generic and Stereotype is the current label of all things entertainment. It's been done before, and originality is no longer present. Creativity has died, and I wish to one day be able to resurrect it. O, and don't even get me started on ideas for my writing.
Lately I've been discussing and re-beating the entire Sonic series with a group of local friends. From Sonic Mega Collection to the Museum Gamecube game which included Sonic CD (A game we all agreed disappointed but delivered on some level, it's seriously not "the" best or no where near "the" best Sonic game ever made as so many claim) . I am however the only one in the group to have beaten "Sonic The Hedgehog 06", and because of this reason and the fact that I introduced and sparked curiosity in the group (I mean Sonic 2 for the MegaDrive was my first true video game experience) I've sort of have become the guy you go to ask questions. The most common of questions is "How would you make a 3D Sonic work?". Well I'm listening to the Sonic 3/Knuckles doomsday beat and am pondering the answer to that question right now, and it seems to be impossible to get any Sonic 3D game to work the way it should. First SA 1/2 both did an OK job, but speed isn't as present as I'd like it to be. Second the Super Sonic sequences (which I've come to realized is something that is *extremely* important for a Sonic game to work) are mediocre. Third the camera angle is at it's primitive "you might die" stage (though updates shouldn't be done if your actually going back a step, I'm looking at Sonic Heroes and Sonic 06), and there are some levels that are trying extremely hard to appeal to the Mario category of gamers (Knuckles gtfo the Sonic series if you can't go back to kicking ass with your fists and not finding treasure like a fag). So how do you make a 3D Sonic game work, on paper at least, is it possible? Here's the scenario I'm running in my head right now, since it is the doomsday song I'm listening to I'm thinking of how a "Near Game End" boss fight would go about. Sonic is mid screen when the level starts, the level title "Robotnik's Spider Trail" appears right above his head as the beat starts kicking in. The camera steps out for a second in order to show a cinematic, and Robotnik is stepping into his machine behind Sonic as he says a one liner. The machine is a spider hooked up to rails, and right before the cinematic ends, the spider goes under the track that your standing on. Around your view you see sort of like a space ship texture, with windows here and there representing Earth on one side and Mobeus on the other (this has to do with the story I'm making up). Now Robotnik runs past you (still under you on the track) as you see the spider legs connected to the trails (your target to hit, there are 8 legs hooked up). Now Robotnik moves forward at high speed and this is where the speed part kicks in, every now and then a Snake head (a form of the snakes he used in Sonic 2 during the Oil zone) will come out and either shoot you or run horizontal across the track as a method of knocking back your rings, and with that, his Spider Machine legs every now and then have a tendency of extending up and smashing down on the track. Rings appear on the track every now and then as a means of letting you defend yourself, and his moves will be setup in a Mega Man fashion, hard at first but once the pattern gets down you'll be able to 1-2 the guy (just like the old school Sonic games). This is where the problems start kicking in though, the biggest one would be "How do we control speed?". Sonic 06 attempted the "Lets make Sonic run without stopping" approach, and that was horrible, I remember wasting 10 lives on the later tracks remembering every little thing because if you didn't know it before-hand you where screwed (this is the point that a game goes overboard). If the speed is controlled by you, then how is Robotnik's speed controlled? If Sonic is going slow, then Robotnik will go slow, and that will make the game dull (something no game should ever be). What if we mix it up? Then balance becomes the issue, if your going fast 10 seconds, then it switches to old school Robotnik fight for 5 seconds, now the game becomes a nuisance, this is worse then dull, because reviewers will do a considerable amount of bashing on that concept of the game alone. Camera becomes even a worse variable, sure you can leave it classic 3rd person, but chances are the player will occasionally be caught off guard in the direction that he's not looking, unless the Camera's fixed, and then the essence of "speed" becomes something hard to give of. I have a few views on how to tackle the issues, but none really worthy of 5-star, on another note, I'm pretty tired, so I'll continue this later, peace.