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Gotta keep writing, gotta keep living

Posted by Lucandrake , 22 July 2009 · 585 views

Un-titled Project
I realized I stopped writing for a bit, it coincides with the current struggles of my life. I've fixed my sleeping habits at least 3 different times this summer, and have broken it 4. But fuck it, I've written about me plenty here so that if anyone was ever to read it they could put together the pieces and figure out why I am the way I am. Although giant chunks of it are not present (IE: My father), I remember writing them down in threads during my earlier years on this board. So while not all is handed on a silver platter, it's still assessable through great detective work.

But that wasn't my intent, for I've wiped my blog on at least 4 different occasions "starting anew". As it stands the only thing I figured out is that unlike a computer, I can't just reformat my heart, or unlike an mmo, reset my skills and create a new build on the flash (for the low low price of 100 Gold), and I especially can't find treasure that I once found and decided to throw away thinking of its back-then uselessness.

Whatever, I really don't want to write about myself as it stands. But as a person I want to see myself become. For it's been put on me to save not only my family, but to save my friends. As korney as it sounds, it's just a matter of what I have to do. This sprang to me after a 3 year slumber, for my brain was nothing but idle during my mainstream of insomnia, the days that I could withstand weeks without sleep have ended. My body hindered, forced me to awake my conscious and create sense. Soon after I felt nothing but fear (still to do today), and regret (this no longer), for I wasted time while forcing those who cherished me beyond the point of no return. But for myself, life is easy.

If I desired it I could easily save my family, disregarding anyone and everyone around me not in my family. Then I would be titled a hypocrite, for even those with darkness I wish to preserve. If I desired to save my friends tomorrow morning, I would simply disgrace my parents, claiming independence and forever picking up my own slack while garnering nothing but disgrace from their point of view. Not only that, but my friends would be considered enemies for eternity. If I desire to save only myself, that would be just as easy if I managed to sacrifice both sides by applying all their help to just me. In the end I would end up successful in a very short amount of time, while keeping my insanity at the same level but my darkness spread beyond the point of repair. In order to do what my heart desires however, save all without the shed of blood, then in the end I sacrifice my hobbies and myself. O how I wish to help everyone including myself. In the end I'm stuck trying to figure out a balance between us 3. My father sacrificed his friends, my mother sacrificed her family, My sister herself, being the only one to not make a decision in my family, I wonder if I'm destined to repeat all their mistakes on a grander scale?

But that's all current and past troubles, I stated I wanted to see a future-me here. As it stands, I'm 100% me, while I "care" for my friends and family, I rarely ever go out of my way to help either of them. Even though on the outside I state otherwise, and my lips radiate the sound of a hero. On the inside I think of usually nothing but how to get what I want so I can further dig this hole I have dug through since middle school. I don't want that, I want it to be 50% me, 25% my family, 25% my friends. Then spreading out the balance so that the cap isn't 100% anymore, but 200, or even 300! Fuck that, dreams are goals which require high aim, 1,000%! O but what a useless dream, my imagination has far more planned for me than I can ever grasp. It steers ideas into my head that I only wish to produce in music, movies, games, books. Then fear lurks in, and laziness gangs up on me with him. Finally, my mistakes strike the final blow on to me, telling me "It's ok, you can try again tomorrow". The first time I suspected a teacher of showing genuine care for me, she expressed the words "Watch out for tomorrow, for it may never come.", 9 years later and I'm still incapable of producing results that understand the phrase. Shit, 9 years of unproductivity, 9 years of missed opportunities, 9 years of just staring at the game screen laughing away my life. I've considered it an addiction, and at the same time I haven't. While therapists claim both sides of the argument, not only with excuses but with bluntness. How would you feel if your school counselor told you that you where addicted to something electric? While your therapist turns around and claims that it's merely a phase? Which one is right? What if the answer is within me? If so I've already stated many times before that I need to stop looking at this T.V screen, him and his family (Mr.Monitor, Mrs.Handheld, Ms.Gaming Console that I spend lonely nights with on a daily basis). But everything electronic is what produces sporadic imaginative thoughts! Not only that, but it's where I've learned how to garner energy beyond that of normal human understanding! It's where I gained the ability to brute force logic at high speed rates with luck intensified results! This machine that claims my soul, has taught me so much, and I've become dependent of it for more than just homework. It's scary as well, for if my addictions (for food is an even greater enemy to my soul), have all taken over at an alarming rate. I've been suggested to Cold Turkey this bitch, but even then I start sacrificing all my energies for the sake of being able to type out my emotions. Are games necessary? Is the internet necessary? Can you be as good as your competition without them? What about with them? I feel like the lead off of virtual dependency. The prime of the human robot society, claiming that my soul and heart is heard throughout the pages of the internet while merely staying quite in my little cave.

So what do I do? I keep throwing myself off topic because I can't seem to think past today for some reason. I want to look at tomorrow but I honestly only ever see myself 10 years down the road. Who I SHOULD be in that amount of time. Who I WANT to become in that amount of time. But I can never see myself doing something to improve for tomorrow, or the day after.

But that's just a portion of the pain that I endure daily, I can write many more topics on the things I feel are holding me back. I can write an eternity as well on the characteristics of my lost soul. I want to change the world, but I have to learn how to change myself first. Is there any hope for someone who's still lost after so much time? If so, what are the limits?

I'll end it here, I got plenty more to say, but I got some Pokemon that are in need of leveling.




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